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Racey Days  *cough-ineedtoupdate-cough* so i haven't updated in a while because those silly little men that somehow manage to by a jaguar with a sage ridge salary have blocked every concievable web site on the planet so - being the fucking genius that i am - i finally realized i could just use a DIFFERENT computer last week was the peru trip where do i begin? i think the one thing that i learned on that trip is that people rarely turn out to be who you initially think they are...funny how that work now isn't it... some crazy shit happened in peru, CRAZY shit but hey - shit happens haha im funny ....not... peru was fucking amazing in terms of like edifying experiences - but socially it was like fucking weird i don't know not what i was expecting would be putting it mildly but its cool because the north carolina trip is coming up and im excited for that - that should be good that should be something that i can enjoy socially as well not that i didn't enjoy peru socially - it was just - fucking weird i don't know there are some people i thought i knew who surprised the fuck outta me jesus - they could have at least given me a warning.... so the thing that blows about peru is the effing contamination of water or food or air or space and time or god knows what that made me and kelsey and natalie sick as hell then it magically returned to me yesterday - in the states - and i was again vomiting all over the place (great visual) but at least i didn't have to brave school tomorrow is community service day - thank god i need a break from school work already and i haven't done any apparently i have a knack for getting tired of things before they even begin i joined track and it hasn't started yet - but i've already quit wow im on a fuckin roll im gonna go eat some chocolate and watch bullshit tv fun fun fun adios amigos Current mood:  bitchy.Current music: black rebel motorcycle club. hey - i got this thing from someone at camp...uhh...yeah...you know who you are... Favorites: *Salad dressing: Gerard's oil and vinegar *Color of socks: white *Favorite No.: 34 *Movie: Donnie Darko, A Clockwork Orange (BEST MOVIE EVER), The Great Race, A Shot in the Dark, Requiem for a dream *Movies u cant stand: Troy (what the hell was that?? what, americans are so stupid now that we don't even know the story of the trojan war!?), those damn shreck movies, the notebook was crap, stepford wives was AWFUL, and i could go on and on and on *food: chocolate anything, anything sweet or sugary, and im going through a major ceasar salad phase *Day of the week: wednsday (the day before thursday), thursday (OC day, day before friday), friday (duh), saturday (duh) *TV Show: daily show with jon stewart, desperate housewives (!!), bachlorette (my guilty pleasure), OC, Law & Order - SVU, old episodes of SNL or spoofs of Bush *Least favorite Sport to watch: GOLF! *Favorite drink: san pellegrino *What color is your bedroom carpet? was white - but now its white with nail polish and coke stains *Where do you see yourself in ten years?: in a big city in law school - working for the DNC *What do you do when you're bored?: leave random messages on my friend's cell phones *Most annoying thing?: rich people (why not me?), golf (rich people's elitist game), republicans, Bush, little cities, farm country, rural areas *Best thing: liberals, chocolate, jon stewart, big cities, laughing about nonsensical inside jokes with cal and making fun of trish *Bed time: in summer - 4:00 (isn't that insane? i am such a night person..) school - 10:00 to 11:00 *What's on your mouse pad?: mouse pad? do people still use those? that's so 90's... *Favorite Board Game? space-opoly, clue *Favorite smells?: vanilla, sage brush and pine trees right after a rain, the ocean *Least favorite smells?: cherry stuff *Worst feeling in the world: loneliness, when someone close to you is unhappy and you can't do anything to fix it, that feeling where you just want to die because you can't see the point in living anymore *What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?: why god, why school? or on the weekend or summer - wow, i wasted the whole damn day sleeping *How many rings before you answer the phone?: i never know where the phone is - but if i do i pick up it after the second ring at least - i like to look at caller id This Or Thats *Storms, scary or cool?: cool *Is the glass half empty or half full?: half empty (sorry i can't help it, im a pessimist) *Blanket /stuffed animal: stuffed animal - my red sparkly bear that i have had forever *Dumper/dumpee: so far, dumper, never been dumpee...yet.... *Black/white: black *Chocolate/vanilla: chocolate *Silver/gold: gold *Tobacco/alcohol: alcohol (but why aren't cigarettes on here, because i would choose those..) *Hugs/kisses: hugs from friends, kisses from cute boys *Coke/pepsi: coke, pepsi is too sweet *Love/Social Life: love *Are you outgoing?: depends upon who im around - im quiet around people that i don't like *Are you fun?: duh!! no, i don't know... *Do you consider yourself better than other people?: no *Are you popular? is there such thing as popularity at sage? *Flirty?: depends on the guy *Pretty?: i dunno *Do people tell you your pretty?: sometimes *Do YOU think your perfect?: not even close *are you negative: yep *Best friend: cal, trish, car car, nat, val, hannah *Hobbies: reading, watching the tivo, watching movies, watching lifetime movies (shh....) *Do you like being around people: hell yeah *Last Thing u said: "isn't that insane?" *Last Person you talked to online: christopher colombus *Last Person you hugged: trish *Last Person you saw outside of home: cal - wait that was in my home...oh well... *Last person you got e-mail from?: cal Who: *Do you argue the most with: my mom *Is the most trustworthy: cal *Makes you laugh the most: cal, my dad, trish, jon stewart, darrell hammond, dane cook, ron white *Has the coolest parents: cal and trish! *Has the coolest siblings: cal In the last 24 hours have you .. *Cried: no *Been kissed: no *Wanted to tell someone you loved them: yeah *Talked to an ex: yep *Talked to someone you have a crush on: no *Had a serious talk: no *Missed someone: absolutely *Been in a fight?: yeah - my mother... Current mood:  calm.Current music: pedro the lion - bands with managers. why do i feel alone in a roomfull of people? is it because im misunderstood? at school when i am surrounded by friends i feel like i just want to be alone and then when i am at home - alone - i wish there was someone there for me last night i became overwhelmed with loneliness - and i realized that i couldn't really be happy whether i was alone or not the only person i can be happy around is cal cal is the only person i know that i can be myself around - the one person who understands me cal and i have this weird spiritual connection thing - im sure anyone who knows us has noticed - we finish each other's sentences and we don't have to say anything to know what the other is thinking - we share a brainwave, we're on the same wavelength so the only time i would and should be happy is around cal - but instead i always just feel guilty around her i know she doesn't want me to be unhappy - but its not my fault, there is no real reason for me to be so unhappy i suppose...i don't know... this is the one time when im not completely sure what she is feeling we go to each other for everything - and so when i call her crying and tell her im on the verge of suicide as usual, i wonder how she feels i get the idea that she feels like even though she is the best friend ever and loves me and everything, that even she can't make me happy but i know that that is so far from the truth there is no real method to my madness, i can't control my mood and i don't know what triggers my unhappiness even great news falls flat these days i got a letter in the mail that said that i am a semi-finalist for the poetry contest that i entered, and they are going to publish me in a poetry book but for some reason i don't effing care that doesn't make my life worth living any more than anything else im worried about the future if i live alone when i am an adult - who is going to stop me from hurting myself? who will stop me from hurting others? im sure that this is a normal adoslescent thing - but i have no idea who i am - and i don't think other people do eiter im so different around different people there are people that think im stupid - mostly people that i knew in eighth grade i don't know why i give off such a ditzy vibe is it because i can't hear jack shit? not my fault... the other day i saw this kid named kevin something with bright red hair and freckles who i went to school with in eighth grade - he was playing a tennis came for galena he said something, and - as usual - i had to say "what?" because i couldn't hear him and he just laughed and was like "i see that liz hasn't changed at all" and i was like fuck you im not stupid its not my fault that you don't enunciate when you fucking talk doesn't mean im stupid - it just means that you are a fucking ass god i hate people all the kids i kne in eight grade must think that about me - that im a ditz but they don't know me and they can all go to hell - because you know what? i don't conform like you do, i don't tailor myself to fit in - im just real i don't act "cool" im just myself and if you think that im a ditz then i think that you are a fuckin imbecile wow - what the hell is wrong with me? is that how i appear towards everyone? when im around cal we always get silly and i probably come off like a ditz - but i hate it when people act like that, like im stupid fucking bastards - i think they're the stupid ones you don't have to condescend to me - when i can't hear you could just repeat what you said instead of rolling your fucking eyes at me and just laughing you know what? everyone can go to hell with their perfect hearing you may be able to hear shit but at least im fucking preceptive and i can see reality so you can go shove that one up your ass i had it when people condescend to me good god im sorry i can't fucking hear - its not my fault maybe what you are saying is so effing stupid that my brain doesn't even find it worth decoding so i just don't hear you - maybe i just don't listen to people because they aren't worth listening to but don't sit there and shout at me and act like im 90 i hate people i think it would be really interesting to like take a poll and have everyone write down on a piece of paper what they think of liz how i appear to different people some people know me as the quiet one some people know me as the really loud one maybe its a red flag to people who know me as the quiet one - maybe im quiet around you for a reason, maybe im uncomfortable with you - probably for a reason the only time you can probably see me as the real me is when im around cal - she is the only one who im comfortable to be myself around - and that is the only time when people really judge me wow - so i guess today was the day that i had to vent so anyway, yeah...people suck today... i hate it when people act like they know me because they don't they have NO idea i hope that people who think that i am a pushover and a ditz and someone who won't stand up for myself realize that i never forget anything - if someone pisses me off im not going to forget about it anytime soon i can hold grudges for a long effing time someday im going to burst and start screaming profanities at people in the hallway wow - that would actually feel really good right now....damn....sounds good to me... okay - so if you think you know me - tell me what you think of me - and ill correct you then ill tell you what a fucking asshole you are no just kidding im not a bitch i swear im just confused and i have low blood sugar right now so im going to go eat something and don't worry - after i have some substance in me i won't bite your head off......or will i.....??? Current mood: bitchy.Current music: Nirvana - rape me. so today my mother made a ridiculous proposal: that i finally face my paralyzing phobia and.....SWIM ACROSS THE ROCKS that's right: she wants me to swim across the big, submerged rocks in the bay i have this really bizarre phobia of large underwater rocks rocks on land: no problem little underwater rocks: whatever large underwater rocks: scary as hell i don't know why - but everytime i am swimming and i see a large rock just lurking there in the seabed i become paralyzed with fear and this is not anything new, either when i was 11 we went to australia for christmas vacation we spent a few days in cairns - and it rained the entire time we were there we stayed in a very cool hotel with like ten different pools we went swimming despite the downpour because it was so hot - even in the rain one of the pools was like a fake beach - they had sand and a little dock and they made it look like the ocean and the whole shabang so my mom and i went swimming here and i went around and decided to jump off the dock in the pool so my mom was already in the pool waiting for me to jump in and i ran and jumped and had a heart attack when i entered the water i don't know why, but there were these huge fake rocks they had in the pool to make it look real and i was so scared of them that i started to freak out and hold onto my mom and we ended up evacuating the pool so that was a wee bit strange but i totally forgot about the whole incident for a few years but this whole fear is completely aggravated everytime we come to napili bay because there are huge underwater rocks everywhere out there - where i never go so she decided that today we were going to conquer my fear and just go out and swim among the rocks i, however, do no think that i am up for that.... which desperate housewife are you?  Congratulations! You are Gabrielle Solis, the ex-model with everything she's every wanted a rich husband, a big house and John, the 17-year-old gardener. Which Desperate Housewife are you? brought to you by Quizilla Current mood:  anxious.Current music: transatlanticism - death cab. Soma* is what they would take when hard times opened their eyes Saw pain in a new way High stakes for a few names Racing against sunbeams Losing against their dreams... They tried it once and they liked it - they tried to hide it Said, "I've been doing this 25 years" But i'm not listening no more.... And their friends, they keep askin for more.... But that's it... *Definition of Soma: "All the advantages of Christianity and alcohol; none of their defects." - from Brave New World by Aldous Huxley Current mood:  gloomy.Current music: the strokes. Who needs Prozac when there is cookie dough in the refrigerator? I hate you. last night i had an utterly tramatizing dream....flashbacks of it have haunted me all day i dreamt that "the girl" (you know who i'm talking about trish) kept coming over to my house and would never ever let me see cal so i had a meltdown at the mall (which is odd because this actually happened to me a couple of weeks ago - the subconscious has a good memory) and i just started crying hysterically in one of the stores i am such a psychopath i am also such a hypochondriac oh to be emotionally simple and carefree... wouldn't it be lovely?? by the way, i have officially diagnosed myself with Borderline personality Disorder - look it up on the internet and if that doesn't sound exactly like me than you are the psychopath and you obviously don't know me very well so why the hell are you reading my journal? so anyway yeah i think i'm BPD which explains a lot its frightening to read something bland and techincal on the internet about a disease and to have it dawn on you that you are reading about yourself good lord i envy people with normal cognitive processes haha and people who can control their emotional swings its so scary in part because i have no idea who i am im sure those who know me have seent his sometimes im quiet and dark and moody sometimes im bright and cheery and giggly sometimes i have no self confidence sometimes i am overly confident sometimes i know exactly what i want sometimes i have no idea what i want some days i want to be a doctor - and other days a lawyer - and then some days a senator i see everything in black and white which is the worst part a prime example of this is school i think that i am either very good in a subject or very bad if i am mediocre at something i consequently determine that i am horrible at it (like math, im not THAT bad but i constantly convince myself and others that i am completely inept) if i get one bad grade in a subject i decide that that is it - that i am horrible forever and always at that subject its so frustrating but i can't help it and worst of all is that i am the moodiest most emotional person every im either up or down - there is no in between im either ecstatic or on the verge of suicide but what can i do??? its so hard for me to change the way i feel! im so detached from reality sometimes. it's like, when im feeling so happy, i can never imagine why i would ever have flet sad in my life and when i am depressed i wonder how i ever felt in the least bit content because the world is the worst place ever and there is no point in me living anymore sometimes i feel like i have all of the love and support i could ask for and i feel like i have all the reason and people in the world to live for other times i feel like there is no reason for me to live and no one would care if i slit my wrists on a sunday afternoon - no one would even notice i was gone on monday morning i also overanalyze everything and everyone and all of their actions i judge each person's actions independantly - if that makes sense - and don't take into account anything else they may have said or done that could have led to or caused something at a later time im quick to anger and frustration - quick to sadness and depression - but quick to cheerfulness as well the human brain is so confusing - how biologically fucked up to i have to be to feel like this? anyway - on a lighter note we went shopping today in lahaina and i bought lots of gifts for people and a few things for myself i sent ten postcards today (!!) to my closest friends - and i actually realized i have a lot more to send before i leave my cute boy was MIA today and i saw him nowhere it rained all day which was lovely - it made it a good day for shopping and wasn't a day i would have rather spent on the beach i saw the boy that i always thought was hot but found myself loathing the sight of him today i don't know why i just hated him - for being there - for being around me - it was so strange - i just couldn't stand him all of a sudden how do i have friends? how do they stand to be around me when i am so emotionally jacked up? so that was a pretty random rush of hatred that i had today - towards someone i have never spoken to before in my life last night i did not sleep at all because i was freezing (which makes no sense considering this is maui and it was prefectly balmy outside all night) instead i decided to listen to my iPOD, then realized it was broken so i got out my cd played - to discover that there were no batteries so then i spent a while scrounging around the room in search of some unused AA batteries i found none so i then took apart the remote control and used those batteries to power my cd player after lsitening to my cd twice throught - nad still not feeling sleepy at all, i went into the bathroom and shut the door and turned on the light and read 150 pages of the 5th harry potter (which i am reading for the third time) finally i fell asleep after listening to music once again in bed nothing else really happened today - it was pretty uneventful i am feeling that longass run we had yesterday in my thighs - i can hardly sit down or stand up - my quads feel like they have been through the ringer im going to go to bed now - at like eight o'clock or seven o'clock or whatever because i did not sleep last night from 1:00 until 4:35 so i will leave you with a lovely post-christmas poem so mele kelikimaka (sp??) (hawaiin for "merry christmas) and to all a good night A Republican Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the land, not a critic was stirring, for stirring was banned. A thousand brown prisoners, snug in their cells, all held without charges or tinsel or bells; And mamma was wrapped in the national flag, while we sang "Where there's never a boast or a brag." When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the TV I flew like a flash; I then watched "Survivor" and reruns of "Mash." The fireworks, exploding above the new snow, gave a luster of objects to people below. When what saw my wondering eyes in the flashes: a miniature George Bush and eight tiny fascists! Their jerseys were blue and said "WORLD DOMINATION"; I knew right away this was not just claymation. More rapid than eagles the warlords they came, as the little Bush whistled and called them by name: "Now, Daschle! now, Ashcroft! Now Strom, don't relent! On, Poindexter, Rumsfeld! on Henry and Trent! To the top of the globe, while the crowd's at the mall, now bomb away, bomb away, bomb away all!" His sack had a war game for each girl and boy; his pocket, four billion from just Illinois. Far up on his high seat the driver did mount, with more massive weapons than Kofi could count. And then, I heard sounds from away off somewhere, the booming of bombs that were bursting in air. As I drew in my head, and was turning around, down the chimney old Dick Cheney came with a bound. He said not a word, nor disclosed his location; he wiretapped my house in the name of the nation. Then holding the strings of his little Bush puppet, he went to the chimney and quickly rose up it. The sleigh was still running, but Dick didn't hurry; gas guzzlers, it seemed, were no longer a worry. He popped the champagne and exclaimed as he served it, "The world is now ours, and GOD DAMN, we deserve it!" Current mood: cranky.Current music: Hooki Lau. so yesterday was christmas i had a pretty uneventful christmas myself we didn't do presents this year seeing as how we are here instead - and it was basically just no christmasy feeling it's pretty hard for hawaii to feel christmasy - i mean there were lights and a weird blow up thing of santa in a hot air balloon, but at the beach it felt nothing like christmas its almost as if it didn't happen this year but we had a nice dinner last night at a restaurant called Roy's - and the manager was really hot most notably, though, the chocolate soufflet was DIVINE - there aren't even words that can describe the utter perfection of this soufflet so this morning i did something unthinkable and ridiculous and completely out of line for me - I WENT RUNNING and it wasn't just a little short run (and remember, i haven't run in six months, since my last track competition of last year) my dad took my 6 MILES! WHAT IS THAT!?!? i didn't run all of it, though, DUH when we got to the top of the endless vertical hill that we had to run up (which had the cute, innocent, and misleading name of "pineapple hill") my dad decided it was time for a little breaking and entering so - when security wasn't looking - we climbed over the locked gate-fence thing and checked out the old rotting property of some rich hawaiian man however, nothing could prepare me for the shock i was to recieve when i glanced over at a tree and saw, swinging in the breeze, a noose yes that's right a noose hanging from the tree swinging in the breeze so anyway - that was pretty mch the dealbreaker right there off the property we ran and back to the old beach for a quick dip in the sea - and a quick glance at the cute boy on the beach the rest of the day was spent swimming and tanning and just lounging around recovering from my traumatizing removal from the world of lethargy into the unforgiving world of physical activity nothing too fun here my cute boy has pretty eyes though - and this is, in fact, a new development in my life we keep making eye contact - which is always the funnest part of cute boys - the coy little looking and then looking away and then looking back that i have done countless time with countless boys in countless places so we engaged in the old eye contact game and his eyes are so unbelievably sexy i don't even know what to do and that's the real shocker right there considering i really have never liked brown eyes im kind of an "anything but" kind of girl when it comes to brown eyes but he has these brown eyes that are indescribable - they are very, very light brown and just beautiful they say that eyes are the windows to the soul - and all i can say is....if that's true....i definitley want to get to know this boy oh yeah - and i must add that i bamboozled a towel from the napili kai, and there towels are unbelievable!!! they are so soft and cushy and quite pretty, too they are a cream color with "sea foam green" stipes i made up that particular shade of green does it sound convincing? i actually think that that quite accurately describes the color there are chain smokers takin a drag directly above me as i type the putrid smell is wafting in my window, mixed with the tropical smell of the ocean, and the hibiscus flowers as much as i love tolerating people polluting my air in public places - these people are being ridiculous they have been dropping their stray cigs and their cig butts onto our patio - along with their ash and a little red lighter (which, as any good pyro would, i confiscated) well bill clinton - a man who i greatly admire and respect (even though *gasp* he had an affair, because no republican has ever done that *coughrudyguilianicough*, and god knows bush has never ever told a lie) is on john stewart right now - so im going to go watch this good liberal and continue to remind myself that i am not the only liberal left i am not i am not.... merry post-christmas!! and happy belated hanukkah!! happy ramadaan and merry kwanzaa!!! Current mood:  apathetic.Current music: daily show theme song. |
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